Was, Is, Will Be

 

I was standing in the night

With shadows fallen over all

Questioning who I am

When I saw a flame

Brief it was

I strained to see a figure

Standing beneath a tree

Bringing a cigarette to his lips

But I could not see his face

I was about to turn

Seeking solitude not company

When a voice came

“Why do you question?”

I paused for a moment

Thinking he was speaking to himself

Again he spoke

“You know who you are

Why the questions?

Have you learned nothing?

I thought you were better than this

But then again

Maybe you don't really change”

Startled, I could not speak

His jacket reflecting the moon

He seemed so strange

Yet so familiar

“It must be your nature

No matter how I dislike it”

So arrogant

Thinking he knew me

Thinking he knew anything

My struggles

My pain

His youth showed

In his bold speech

I simply stared at this figure

A phantom in the night

After one long drag

Inhaling deeply the smoke

As he exhaled

He spoke

“The past never dies”

Confused I turned to leave

I spoke as I turned

“I am who I am right now”

But as I turned

I saw another in the dark

Leaning over

Staring at the stars

I could only see his shape

Light reflected from his cane

With a silver dragon

Shining in the darkness

I was so shocked

I stood silent

Then he spoke

With a voice of age 

Filled with the wisdom of years

“You're both so hasty

So head strong

What do you really know?”

This though

Came with a gentleness

That comes from experience

An old man

Reflecting to himself

On such a strange night

I couldn't help but wonder

Did I know this man?

So many years my senior?

Then came his voice again

“Someday you'll understand

But then again

Maybe you'll only realize

That you can never know”

Puzzled I was

Like a riddle

Spoken from the heart

That I knew all too well

He shifted slightly

And gave his parting words

“But who will I be?”

I turned to ponder this odd event

But when I looked

They were both gone

And as I pondered

I reflected on the familiar

The unknown

The thing I would never know

And the words came together

Past

Present

Future

Were such a constant blend

Yet so distinct

Sudden realization

I heard my own voice

Clearly this time

Speaking through it all

“The past never dies

I am who I am right now

But who will I be?”

Holding the Rain

Rain falls gently in the night

Cold droplets on my skin

Washing me clean of the world

Worry and fear rolling down

Dripping from me

Into puddles of memory

That pools at my feet

My face turned to the sky

Welcoming the cleansing sky

Clearing my mind of doubt

It cascades down my back

And then it is gone

Bathed in the open air

Feeling both old

And at the same instant

Brand new in every way

The breath drawing in

The smell of the storm

Lingers in the atmosphere

And in this moment

I am suddenly so free

And suddenly so small

Yet I am everywhere

The drizzle falling across my hands

And I give myself to it freely

As it gives itself freely to me

We meet in an impossible embrace

I hold the storm

And the storm holds me

Spirit of the Storm

There was a flash of light

A resounding boom

And all was darkness

As echoes filled the air

I could see nothing at all

Ears filled with the relentless storm

When I saw your face

There in the darkness

I could hear your voice

In the falling of the rain

Like a sweet song

In a world where nothing remained

So I let it wash over me

Holding me in the still of the night

I let it embrace me

Though the rain was cold

The touch was warmth to my soul

No darkness could overtake

The light of your presence

Consuming me utterly

In that moment

Nothing else existed

Nothing else mattered

That phantom in the night

That alighted my soul

Overtaking every sensation

Was everything to me

And when the light of dawn broke free

And I awoke to sun and sky

The memory lingers still

Cherished in my heart

Forever and always there

The spirit of the storm

Still Me

A cloudy night

Nights and days running together

Hard to keep track

Hard to concentrate

Feeling alone

Has never felt so lonely

Memory drifting

And a longing remains

Waiting for the clouds to lift

Revealing a clear sky

And a bright tomorrow

But for now I wait

Trying to remember the day

The week

The month

Temporary solitude

Is still solitude

Even the words struggle

To become a thought

To become something

More than a jumble

A cluster of memories

Flowing together into dreams

Dreams that are fleeting

And sometimes I wonder

If I'm becoming muddled

Jumbled fragments of me

Trying to remain a person

And not just a concept

Is it an existential crisis?

I cannot say

As fragmented thoughts

And partial memories

Float about my mind

Is this new?

Or have I just begun to notice?

I close my eyes

And I recall my face

And realize I'm still me

I'm still here

Whoever that may be today

Through the confusion and pain

I am still here

I am still me

Bosom of Fantasy

Snow falls in the dark night
Like a blanket to hide the world
And maybe it can hide me too
Conceal me from the bright day
Seeking shelter under the moon
As it causes the snow to shine
Hide me in a world of dreams
Where your touch is real
And your voice whispers in my ear
House me in those hallowed dreams
Where fantasy and illusion
Mix happy and free
Keep me from the world outside
Where the sun melts away those visions
And let me rest in your arms
Until I'm ready to face the world again
Shelter me from all that's real
In the bosom of fantasy
Until I dream enough
To finally make it real

Falling Snow

Snowfall silent in the sky

The who and what and where and why

In quiet night snowflakes fly

It floats and flutters by my eye

Sitting in this darkened night

Falling snow reflecting light

Fog hides the world from sight

A sweater on warms frozen bite

In the dark I sit and wait

And though my heart may hesitate

I sit and ponder our shared fate

Praying feelings will not complicate

A frozen world past my window

What comes next I do not know

Staring out at falling snow

Eyes grow heavy now with sleep

Snow falls down and settles deep

In dark of night can’t hear a peep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

Asking the Moon

A starless sky greeted me
In the dark of the night
The cool crisp air
Brushed against my cheek
It touched me gently
As the silent moon looked on
And as it shone down
I felt you in the wind
Wrapped around my body
I was strangely warmed
In that quiet moment
I was no longer alone
But I could feel you
I closed my eyes
And there you were
I lingered in the night
Just wanting it to last
Asking that moon to let you stay

Christmas Night

The stars were out
On Christmas night
From far away
They shone their light
In weather pleasant
I went walking
A silent night
Without much talking
A gentle breeze
Brushed my face
And all was calm
In this winter place
No church bells rang
No carol singing
Just the darkness
The night was bringing
But all around me
Peace was there
In my footsteps
And on the air
It filled my heart
And so I smiled
In the night
Gentle and mild
I breathed it in
As I walked along
My heart now filled
With joyful song
Of peace on Earth
Of Santa's sleigh
Of being home
On Christmas day
Of Christmas trees
And noses so red
Of joy to the world
With mistletoe overhead
And even alone
On Christmas night
We have seen great darkness
But still find a great light
I step forward again
As the night closes in
Knowing a new day
Will soon begin
It is up to me
To remember it all
When winter has passed
And spring comes to call
Christmas is here
And will never depart
When you keep Christmas joy
Alive in your heart
Merry Christmas to you
May blessings abound
And keep Christmas with you
All the year round

I Was There

Fresh night air
So calm and cool
The dog runs through snow
Endless exploring
My tired eyes try to track
Footprints in the snow
I close my eyes
I breathe in
The only sounds
Are from paws pattering
And snow crunching
Underneath my boots
The world is asleep
And ice blankets the ground
The only star I see
Is right above my head
In that moment
As I peer up at it
I cannot help but feel
That star staring back
Wondering who will blink
To close this connection
The dog pulls
Ready to move on
The sky feels distant again
But I can't help but feel
For one moment
I was there

Christmas Bells

A Christmas carol plays

In the lonely night

I sit sipping whiskey

Looking out at the snow

A solitary street light

Brings no warmth

But only allows vision

It flickers and dims

And I am left alone

Sitting in the dark

Ding Dong Ding Dong

Christmas bells are ringing

Syringes at Midnight

Brushing teeth
In the middle of the night
I have no idea why
A drink to clear the head
Wanting something
Anything to numb the pain
A cry in the darkness
Rings out in dead silence
Shaking and hesitation
Not wanting what comes next
But needing it
Finally there is calm
With closed eyes
A willingness to accept it
What must come next
To be able to sleep again
Escaping the suffering
With tired resolve
And syringes at midnight

Sleepless Night

Another sleepless night
Crying awakens me
And disturbs my rest
I wipe away the tears
And I pray for sleep
The pain is too much
For one heart to hold
Perhaps this time
Sleep will come
And I may dream again

Loving Our Very Existance

Indiscriminately
Walking in lingering lines
Aware like water around youthful seas
Living out various eternities
Yet our utterances
Alive not dead
Intertwine
Calling another nameless night over time
Dreaming outside
Another night yields to holding in nascent gratification
Every longing sounding everlasting
Built up tonight
Loving our very existence
Yesterday’s overtures unending
Finding our reality entering vast eternal rest

Night Solitaire

I curl up under a blanket
And I begin to fall asleep
And in my dreams you're always there
It is in this twilight
Between walking life and fantasy
That I see your beauty fair
My eyes open to twinkling lights
But when they close again
I can reach out and touch your hair
Something stirs once more
And I slip awake again
To feel the cold and empty air
So with another blanket
I summon up my dreams
To let my senses become aware
To feel your body close to mine
To smell you once again
A sensation without compare
And pray this dream will last
Until the break of dawn
To escape night solitaire

A Cold World

I sit alone in the dark
Looking out at a cold world
Wondering what you’re doing
Where you are right now
Are you sleeping?
Are you under a blanket?
Watching TV?
Maybe you too
Are sitting alone in the dark
Looking out at a cold world
And if you are
Do you ever think of me?
The way I think of you?
Do our thoughts cross paths
In the stillness of the night?
So many questions
But so few answers
And even if I had them
I’m not sure what I would do
So I simply wonder
As I sit alone in the dark
Looking out at a cold world
Knowing it is still warm within my heart

The Glow

When the sky is dark
And the night is long
I sing to you a lonely song
When all is still
Even if you are not near
I still believe that you can hear
In the dead of night
With colors hard to see
I sing a song of you and me
When the dawn is late
When I sing aloud my song
I pray that you might sing along
When air turns cold
With shades of gray
I sing to chase my fears away
When I feel alone
I am comforted by
The loving glow of the firefly