Christmas Night

The stars were out
On Christmas night
From far away
They shone their light
In weather pleasant
I went walking
A silent night
Without much talking
A gentle breeze
Brushed my face
And all was calm
In this winter place
No church bells rang
No carol singing
Just the darkness
The night was bringing
But all around me
Peace was there
In my footsteps
And on the air
It filled my heart
And so I smiled
In the night
Gentle and mild
I breathed it in
As I walked along
My heart now filled
With joyful song
Of peace on Earth
Of Santa's sleigh
Of being home
On Christmas day
Of Christmas trees
And noses so red
Of joy to the world
With mistletoe overhead
And even alone
On Christmas night
We have seen great darkness
But still find a great light
I step forward again
As the night closes in
Knowing a new day
Will soon begin
It is up to me
To remember it all
When winter has passed
And spring comes to call
Christmas is here
And will never depart
When you keep Christmas joy
Alive in your heart
Merry Christmas to you
May blessings abound
And keep Christmas with you
All the year round

I Was There

Fresh night air
So calm and cool
The dog runs through snow
Endless exploring
My tired eyes try to track
Footprints in the snow
I close my eyes
I breathe in
The only sounds
Are from paws pattering
And snow crunching
Underneath my boots
The world is asleep
And ice blankets the ground
The only star I see
Is right above my head
In that moment
As I peer up at it
I cannot help but feel
That star staring back
Wondering who will blink
To close this connection
The dog pulls
Ready to move on
The sky feels distant again
But I can't help but feel
For one moment
I was there

Christmas Bells

A Christmas carol plays

In the lonely night

I sit sipping whiskey

Looking out at the snow

A solitary street light

Brings no warmth

But only allows vision

It flickers and dims

And I am left alone

Sitting in the dark

Ding Dong Ding Dong

Christmas bells are ringing

Syringes at Midnight

Brushing teeth
In the middle of the night
I have no idea why
A drink to clear the head
Wanting something
Anything to numb the pain
A cry in the darkness
Rings out in dead silence
Shaking and hesitation
Not wanting what comes next
But needing it
Finally there is calm
With closed eyes
A willingness to accept it
What must come next
To be able to sleep again
Escaping the suffering
With tired resolve
And syringes at midnight

Sleepless Night

Another sleepless night
Crying awakens me
And disturbs my rest
I wipe away the tears
And I pray for sleep
The pain is too much
For one heart to hold
Perhaps this time
Sleep will come
And I may dream again

Loving Our Very Existance

Indiscriminately
Walking in lingering lines
Aware like water around youthful seas
Living out various eternities
Yet our utterances
Alive not dead
Intertwine
Calling another nameless night over time
Dreaming outside
Another night yields to holding in nascent gratification
Every longing sounding everlasting
Built up tonight
Loving our very existence
Yesterday’s overtures unending
Finding our reality entering vast eternal rest

Christmas Habits

Don't you dare judge me
There's nothing you can say
It doesn't matter what you think
Maybe you should walk away

Because I don't plan on changing
Even if push comes to shove
You may ask why I don't stop
I can't stop doing what I love

So even when it hurts
Even if I feel the pain
I'll keep on coming back
I'll do it again and again

You don't get to judge me friend
If you see something in my eye
You can't shame me just because
Christmas movies make me cry

Say You're Pretty

If I said you were pretty
Would you be flattered?
Or would it just be awkward
Because I'm a little awkward?
Can I say that I find you interesting?
That I enjoy talking with you?
Or does everything get weird
Once I've actually said it?
Or can I even get the words out?
Will anxiety get the best of me?
Will I keep my thoughts and words
Trapped within out of fear?
Will that feeling rise up
That swirling feeling in my gut
That causes me to hold back words?
Or maybe I can say you're pretty
And it will be OK...

Moonless Sky

A moonless sky hangs overhead
Like a great gray canvas
As if to beckon me forward
To paint my visions upon it
But what could I paint across the sky?
Visions of you are all that seem fitting
As it is the only thing beautiful enough
To fill the heavens and still be not enough
If I painted the morning and night
With visages of your radiance
I would still need a larger canvas yet
If I were to truly cast the magnificence
That I hold so dearly in my mind

Was Is Am

Ghostly apparitions
Appearing in my sleep
Causing me to wake
But what did I see?
A spectre of the past?
A vision of the future?
Was I afraid of who I was?
Or was I more afraid
Of who I would be?
Or was I simply dreaming
About who I am?
Or could it be
I don't know who
I was, is, or am becoming?
I roll over
And hope this time
That I dream of nothing...

Rise Above

I hit the wall
Can my limits go no further?
Again and again
I smash into it
And again and again
It knocks me down
But I'm not concerned
With the getting knocked down
The only thing I'm worried about
Is the getting back up
Because no limit can hold me
If this wall won't move
Then I'll smash through
Pushing my limit
Beyond anything thought possible
And I will be the impossible
Rising to the challenge
Going beyond the limit break
Nothing can hold me down
And nothing can hold me back
I may be hitting a wall right now
But my mind is already seeing it
Smashed into oblivion
That every time I hit the ground
The image becomes clearer
And I will break through
I will go beyond
I will break free
I will exceed my limits
I will never stop
I will rise above this
Just you watch

Night Solitaire

I curl up under a blanket
And I begin to fall asleep
And in my dreams you're always there
It is in this twilight
Between walking life and fantasy
That I see your beauty fair
My eyes open to twinkling lights
But when they close again
I can reach out and touch your hair
Something stirs once more
And I slip awake again
To feel the cold and empty air
So with another blanket
I summon up my dreams
To let my senses become aware
To feel your body close to mine
To smell you once again
A sensation without compare
And pray this dream will last
Until the break of dawn
To escape night solitaire

Snowy Fields

Across the snowy fields

I follow your footsteps

Seeking for only you

Just to see you once more

Though feet may feel heavy

Your face warms my being

And I can continue

Seeking one I adore

The cold may be biting

My face may become numb

When I think about you

I regain my vigor

A white veil before me

But I never forget

The passion of your touch

That moves me to my core

I carry on renewed

When my legs cannot move

A thought of you with me

My spirits you restore

So, through the frozen lands

My legs carry me on

Until they deliver me

To fall upon your door

And if this is but dream

When I’m with you again

Oh! Let me sleep my friend

Upon your sunlit shore

Make You Smile

I stirred myself awake

And wondered

If I exploded a thousand suns

To light up the heavens

In a dazzling array of light and color

Would it look like a candle

When compared to your beauty?

Could I ever hope to replicate

How magnificent you are

When viewed through my eyes?

I could type a thousand lifetimes

And still not find the right words to say

But I would spend them all

Searching for the ones

That would make you smile

A Cold World

I sit alone in the dark
Looking out at a cold world
Wondering what you’re doing
Where you are right now
Are you sleeping?
Are you under a blanket?
Watching TV?
Maybe you too
Are sitting alone in the dark
Looking out at a cold world
And if you are
Do you ever think of me?
The way I think of you?
Do our thoughts cross paths
In the stillness of the night?
So many questions
But so few answers
And even if I had them
I’m not sure what I would do
So I simply wonder
As I sit alone in the dark
Looking out at a cold world
Knowing it is still warm within my heart

Friends

In a lifelong journey
To understand who I am
I have always wondered
Who I want to be
And the answer that I have found
Is that I want to be
The kind of friend
That the people around me
Deserve to have in their lives

I'm Still Here

I sometimes wonder about you
About what could have been
I didn’t really know you
Simply a silly crush
From an awkward high school boy
To a pretty girl
Just a year my junior
I’m not sure you even knew me
Maybe who I was
After that time I sent you flowers
Because I wasn’t sure what else to do
All I knew was what I imagined
I still sometimes imagine
What might have been
What could have been
All those years ago
I’d wonder where you are now
But I know
That doesn’t take imagination
Because you’re dead
And I’m still here
Holding nothing but memories
Of something that was never really there

Cuddle Kingdom

Welcome to my cuddle kingdom
This dark and dreary day
Piles of pillows are my domain
This bed of blankets my charge
To enter through the gates of fluff
Will only cost a hug
Here we hide from bigger things
Due dates have now power here
Those appointments mean nothing
Leave your work there at the door
This kingdom has no need for cash
Snuggles are our currency
And in the dark we stay warm and cozy
Candle light and and comforter soft
Are the purview of my downy throne
Do you dare to join the quilted king?
In his cuddle kingdom home?

Beautiful Rain

I watched you
Walking in the rain
And everything about you
Was beautiful
The cold drops distracting
So the world wouldn't know
And had anyone seen
My smile would betray me
And show my inner thoughts
But that's OK
Because I cannot deny
That everything about you
Was beautiful

Visages of you

I step into the cold
To relieve the heat of my body
The burning of my mind
Cooling in the Autumn air
Visions running through my head
Like a freight train
Rattling over the tracks
Banging around in my brain
Visages of you
The crisp clean air
Hits my face
And for the moment
Everything is clear
Calm and cool comes again
Chasing away fantasy
Until it stirs within again
And I bath in moonlight
Washed by a fall night
For a momentary reprieve
Until it all comes hotly crashing once more

The Glow

When the sky is dark
And the night is long
I sing to you a lonely song
When all is still
Even if you are not near
I still believe that you can hear
In the dead of night
With colors hard to see
I sing a song of you and me
When the dawn is late
When I sing aloud my song
I pray that you might sing along
When air turns cold
With shades of gray
I sing to chase my fears away
When I feel alone
I am comforted by
The loving glow of the firefly

Again

Dance among the corn fields
Dance among the grain
Dance until your heart's content
Until I dance with you again
Fly among the black birds
Fly among the rain
Fly wherever you may want
Until you fly to me again
Go running through the flowers
Go running down the lane
Run until you can't anymore
Until I run to you again
Cry if you are so moved
Cry to alleviate the pain
Cry and don't you worry
Until I hold you while you cry again
Sing about your joys
Sing about breaking the chain
Sing about whatever you want
Until you sing for me again
Hold on to that feeling
Hold on and make it plain
Hold on and don't let go
Until I'm holding you again

Only Whispers

If my eye catches yours
In just a passing glance
And we meet just two
For only that moment
Let us linger there
As we flesh out fantasy
Hidden in our sight
And hold on to that feeling
Until we make it real
But until then
I'll hold you in my dreams
And kiss you in only whispers

Dreams of You

I can hear the rain falling outside
The thunder echoes across the night
Like the lightning pierces the darkness
You pierce my dreams
And a flood of thoughts rush in
Through the broken window of my mind
Do I deny myself the dream?
No, no, no, I cannot
The raindrops land against the window
Soft and fleeting
Just as you are in my mind
Entering a room here
Exiting before I can see you
I walk through the door
And all I find is the empty twilight
You touch my shoulder
I turn and catch a whisper
Like the wind through the trees
I swear it calls my name
My eyes open for just a moment
Just for that moment I know where I am
But the sound of the rain lulls me to sleep
Pulling me back in
To dreams of you

My Long Scarf

I wore my long scarf
As I walked in to see my therapist
The sun was shining
The air was crisp and cool that Autumn
A bird chirped nearby
Singing a new song for a new day
I learned to be open
Or at least how to try to be open
That I was guarded
And maybe my defenses weren't needed
At least not right now
Not with who I wanted to try to
And that I could be
I could simply be me and that was okay
I wore my long scarf
And walked calmly into the future

Where I Am

Too eager are we

To ask God where he was

When things go wrong

I don't ask that anymore

I know where my God is

Right here

Right now

With me

But I learned God wasn’t there

Waiting to fix it all

No magic wand in hand

No miracle to solve my woes

No, God is there

There to give strength

Strength that I solve my own problems

Strength to do what's right

Strength to endure

Strength to carry on

I question not where God is

I question where I am

Playground of My Mind

So many thoughts that I cannot contain them all
In the words that flow onto paper
But here I try to give form to my dreams
And make my visions a reality
No matter how absurd the feeling
No matter how deep the hurt
No matter how great the joy
I craft it all with letters
Arranged into words in a line
Until my thoughts take form and come to life
And shatter the mundane
Cast off the routine
And let me sail on to distant fantasy
Where hopes and desires come alive
In the playground of my mind

Autumn Hills

I dreamed many dreams
In a night where my mind
Was wide awake
White boxes filling an office
And a shelf of cheese
And then there was you
Standing in the blowing wind
In a sundress
That gripped your body
As the Autumn leaves
Whisked past your form
Barefoot on a hill
Your hair flowing
You turned to me
And you smiled
And since I woke up
I've been trying to get back
To that lovely hillside
In the breeze of fall

OK to Cry

Sometimes I hurt
And sometimes I cry
But it doesn't take away
All the good in my life
Because maybe I've just tried
For far too long
To keep from crying
So I wouldn't have to admit
That I was wrong
Or that I wasn't strong
But it is OK to cry
Because I can still find joy in life
Even when I'm sad
And I can still have hope
I can still believe
And believing makes me stronger
Because deep inside
There is still happiness
That I wouldn't trade
Not for anything
And it gets me through

My Words

I'm not used to feeling giddy
Nervous for no reason
But here I sit
Worried over my words
Exposing my inner self
I worry not for me
For what I say
For the words are mine
And freely I say them
I'm nervous still
But here I sit
Worried over my words
And how they are received
Hoping to spark joy
To reciprocate the feeling
Stirred within my soul
That I find the right ones
To say how I feel
To say what I really feel
In that corner of my heart
Painted like a rainbow
That shines like no other

The Tears Came

I cried myself to sleep
Because I couldn't stop
I couldn't stop thinking
I couldn't stop feeling
I couldn't stop being
And I realized
I wasn't crying because of the past
I wasn't crying because of old promises
I wasn't crying because of what once was
I wasn't crying to turn back the clock
I wasn't crying to change what was
I wasn't crying to go back again
I cried because of the now
Because I could feel
Because I could think
Because I could be here now
And the tears came
Not because of who I was
But because of who I am
I cried myself to sleep
Thinking of tomorrow

Face to the Future

My face is set to the future
The past is all behind
And though it molds me
I am free to be who I am
Shattering the expectation
That I will simply be the same
I am a man who can change his life
To become who I want to be
Eyes fixed on what tomorrow brings
I step forward with all my might
Beyond a new horizon
And into what I make
No longer held by "what if"
And "what could have been"
But focused now on "what I will"
And "this is how I can"
To build myself the way I want
Unshackled from yesterday's failures
And creating tomrrows success

Old Recliner

I saw an old recliner
By the dumpster
Thrown away
A little worn
It had seen some years
Oh it told a story
About all the times it has been there
Comfort at the close of the day
Rest when nobody can sleep
A place of learning
A place of adventure
That chair had seen it all
Now by the dumpster
Thrown away
A little worn
It had seen some years
Years full of laughter
Some with tears
But through it all it was there
A place of solace
A warm companion
The chair had been it all
Now by the dumpster
Thrown away
A little worn
It had seen some years
The years brought wear
The years brought strain
Stains and scratches all around
Not quite as fluffy now
It seems the chair
Was no longer wanted
Because it wasn't what it used to be
Now by the dumpster
Thrown away
A little worn
It had seen some years
But those years reflected in my eyes
And I looked it over well
Maybe it needed a little work
Maybe it would take a little time
And maybe some people
Don't believe in fixing
What was once so cherished
But I saw that chair
Now by the dumpster
Thrown away
A little worn
It had seen some years
So I brought it home
And patched it up
Helped it heal and mend
Because that chair was always ready
To be so loved again
But sometimes we are just so quick
To discard what we care not to fix
To walk away from what we once loved
So ready to abandon
But not me
Not I
No, I saw that old recliner
No longer by the dumpster
Reclaimed by love
A little worn
It has seen some years
And with some help
It will see many more
Because it had found a home again

Text on a Screen

I only know you from photographs
And text on a screen
But I'm happy that you are there
Because you've helped me
Because even if it was just talking
You talked to me
And helped me to remember
That I'm not alone
So thank you
And I hope that soon
You'll be more than words on a page
But sounds in my ears
And visions in my eyes
But even if that never happened
I'm still thankful for all that you have been
Because you were there

Finding Myself

I thought this would hurt more
I thought that I would cry
I thought that I would be depressed
And that everything would fall apart
But it turns out
By this point
I'm simply relieved
Because I am free
And I begin to wonder
If the only thing I'd ever lost
Was myself
And that I can't be sad
For finding myself again

Looking Back

Sometimes when looking back
It's easier to understand
Just why things go awry
And life isn't what you planned
Because looking back
It let's you see brand new
All the things you understood
And the things you never knew
You can realize the poison
Didn't magically appear one day
It was always there hiding
Behind the things they'd do and say
And maybe it was just pretend
That it would be OK
That we made excuses
Knowing we'd nerve find a way
But time for looking back is done
There's nothing there to see
Just people who are always lonely
But what I can't see now is me

Waking Up Alone

I go to sleep with an elbow to the edge
I wake up on a sliver of bed
With a whole mattress as my kingdom
I still leave room for you
Room for you to learn
Room for you to grow
I wake next to a void of bedsheets
Where I let you be you
And when I wake alone
I wonder to myself
Did I not leave enough room?
Or was there never a place for me at all?

Anxiety Sets In

I'm so tired
Yet I sleep so much
But there is no rest
My mind reels
Like a machine it goes
With no off switch
Thoughts bombard me
They flood my dreams
They haunt my waking hours
They chase me into corners
They beat me down
They wear me out
And at the end of the day
I listen to them
Blaring like a loudspeaker
Anxiety sets in
And I try to sleep once more

Diary of a Poet

I opened the book of memories
Some are good and some are not
But they are mine to hold
Every fleeting thought
Some speak to who I was
Others to who I wanted so to be
But all of them are from my mouth
They hold the essence of me
So pen to paper once again
I pour my soul in word
Where fantasy and memory
Become distant and quite blurred
And what I make it is my own
Nobody else can claim it
Because everything in here is mine
The diary of a poet

Someone You Can Love

There is a struggle within
To understand who I am
But in truth
I want to understand
Who I want to be

But when I think of this
I can't help myself
Of wondering
If who I want to be
Is who you want me to be

And if not
Which do I chose?
It is simple
Who I want to be
Is someone you can love

Expectations

It is too easy in this life

To get caught up in our own view

To get caught up in what we expect

That others will love how we love

That others will care how we care

That others will see how we see

That others will understand what we understand

And we struggle to understand when they don't

But from the outside

You can see that loving is loving

Even if it looks different

You can see that caring is caring

Even if it looks different

That what we see

Is not what others see

But that we understand

When we try to be understood

Don't miss the love you have

Because you don't see the love you give

But understand how you're loved

So that you may love greater

May love stronger

And may appreciate that love

And out-love your expectations

Know You

There's a loneliness that comes
From always being a acquaintance
But never anything more
To be known by your work
But not known for your soul
To be alone in a world
So full of life
So full of people
Yet none who know the real you
Only those who know your name
Who know of you
But do not know you
Who know you from others
Who know you from works
Who know you from stories
But left with none who know
Desperation sets in
And you begin to wonder
Do you know you?

Positive

I don't mean want to be negative
But I don't know how
Being positive eludes me
It escapes out of sight
As I chase away my fears
So busy fighting the anxiety
So busy fighting the doubts
That the positive flees
Into the night
And in the dark
I'm left holding nothing
Nothing at all
But my broken sense of self
And a triumph
That feels hollow

Alone

It is easy to feel alone
When you can't relate
To anyone
Or anything
Through anything personal
The world feels cold
The world feels distant
And the sound is far off
The words too distant to hear
The only thing you hear
Is the sound of your heart
It beats
And the sound of it beating
Sounds like
Alone

Fear of Fear

Fear of the unknown
Drives a constant drum beat
It stops my heart from beating
It's like concrete on my feet
Fear of the known
Seems to be no better at all
It haunts my dreams at night
And I feel like at any moment I'll fall
Fear of fear lingers on
Like a haunting tune of days past
Or a mist across a cold dead moon
Like clinging to a dream that cannot last
The fear is there, it's there
Inside my head, inside my soul
A darkness that I have always known
Like a blackness that makes me whole
The fear was never wanted
Not desired nor chased
But there it always was
It is the fear I have faced